Never Enough

I had just finished preaching a sermon when that afternoon, out of nowhere, I was struck with what Brene’ Brown calls a “vulnerability hangover.”  I am an “all in” kind of girl and whenever I preach, I pull from the deepest part of myself and pour it all out.  My desperate prayer is that God would use the gift He has given me to inspire transformation by the power of the Spirit.  I have no interest in anything less that lives touched by the Living God. 

But here’s the deal: Living with arms wide open, mouth wide open, and heart wide open often makes me feel extremely vulnerable.  While I am in the moment, and I sense God’s Spirit moving in and through me, I am filled with boldness, a courage that comes from Him.  However, after I have birthed the message, and sit down, I often feel naked.  The enemy then begins the work of destruction, trying to tear me down with lying whispers of discouragement.

And he was at it again, hissing the words that cut to my core:  You are not enough.  You have not done enough.  You have not worked hard enough.  You are not skinny enough.  You are not enough. As a mother.  As a minister.  As a friend.  As a daughter. You are NOT ENOUGH.  NOT ENOUGH.  NOT ENOUGH.  Who do you think you are, preaching like that? You’re a farce.

I recognized the severe spiritual battle that was going on inside my soul.  I knew that I had just done part of what God put me on this earth to do—reflect Him through teaching people about who He is.  I had pointed people to Him, His Life, His Kingdom, His Love, His Spirit.  I had done what I am most passionate about!

I remember the moment I knew this is what He had fashioned me to do.  I was twenty, in a Creative Bible Teaching class at my highly conservative Bible college, speaking to a group of my fellow students on one of the Gospel stories.  I don’t even remember which one.  I just remember sensing that everything about my life had led me to this moment—that I was uniquely crafted by the Living God to communicate His truth to people.  After the class, several of the students came up to me to affirm my communication gift and God used their encouragement to confirm what I had sensed to be true.  I was born for this.  This is only about me in the sense that I have the choice as to whether or not to use the gift He has given.  But HE gave it.  I know that no transformation can happen apart from His touch.  That is why I so love to co-labor with Him.  There is nothing better.

I have found that often the enemy attacks us most severely when we are most fully living the life God has created us for.  God’s light and flavor and fragrance flows from our lives as we live into the dreams He wrote on our hearts when He knit us together in our mother’s wombs.

“The glory of God is man fully alive,” said St. Irenaeus and darkness hates the glory of God to be manifested in you, through your brutiful life. 

May you live into your calling today as you soak in the truth that, “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.”  John 1:5

Light pierces darkness.  Truth silences lies.  And Love whispers “enough.”